“Will you be the godmother?” Wait, there’s something I need to tell you.

Canon 874 §1, no. 3, says that a Catholic godparent must already have been confirmed and received the Eucharist. If you were baptised and made your First Communion, you still need Confirmation before taking on the role.

A friend texts you: “Will you be the godmother?”

How to tell your friend you haven’t been confirmed

If your voice notes to each other usually run to seven minutes, this one might only need twenty seconds. You could say:

“I’m really glad you thought of me. I haven’t been confirmed, so I can’t be the godmother. But I’d love to be there on the day.”

You can leave it there. If you want to tell her the rest, save it for when you both have time. Maybe you moved and lost touch with the parish. Maybe at thirteen you had quite enough to figure out already. Maybe you made a decision to stop going. Your friend might even know the story and simply have forgotten. A loving question can take both of you by surprise.

Telling her early gives her some room to work out what to do. You might worry she’ll be disappointed. She might be: perhaps she’d already pictured you standing next to her at the font. Give her a minute to picture the day differently. You can tell her that, for a moment after you read her message, you pictured yourself there too.

What does the Church ask of a godmother?

Canon 874 also says that a godparent must be chosen for the role, normally by the person being baptised or their parents, and must be able and willing to take on the role, live in a way that fits the faith and the responsibility they are accepting, be free of any legitimately imposed or declared canonical penalty, and be someone other than the person’s mother or father. The usual minimum age is sixteen. The exception mentioned in no. 2 of the canon concerns age.

Canon 872 helps explain what your friend is asking you to do. A godmother joins the parents in presenting the child for baptism and then helps the baptised person live the Christian faith. That “then” lasts a good deal longer than a morning in church. It might look like taking him to Mass on a Sunday, showing him how to make the sign of the cross, or giving a question about God your full attention, even if you need a little time to answer it.

What about being a witness? Canon 874 §2 provides for a baptised member of a non-Catholic ecclesial community to take part as a witness alongside a Catholic godparent. That paragraph addresses a different situation from that of a Catholic who hasn’t received Confirmation.

What if you want to be confirmed as an adult?

Start with your parish. A plain question will do: “I’ve been baptised, but I’ve never been confirmed. How does preparation work for adults?” Ask when it starts, what it involves and whether you need to bring any documents. If the baptism date is already set, mention it to your friend and to the parish where the baptism will take place. Until you know what the timing looks like, give your friend the chance to make plans without counting on a date you don’t have.

If the question is actually “Did I get confirmed and just not remember?”, it’s worth checking before you say no. Ask the parish where you think it happened whether they can check their records. That’s a different phone call from the one you’d make if you know you’ve never been confirmed.

Your friend’s question might have brought back something you haven’t thought about for years. Give yourself time to see whether you’d like to pick it up again after the baptism has come and gone. A conversation is a perfectly good place to start, even if you’re bringing more questions than answers.

As for the day itself, you can go, share in your friend’s joy and take the seat she’s saved for you. And on an ordinary Tuesday three months later, when the white outfit has long since gone into a box, you can still text, “Can I come round? I’ll bring coffee.” The message you send today, meanwhile, can start with the one thing you know for sure: “I’m really glad you thought of me.”