THEY EXCLUDE ME—AND I’M SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE THEM?
Dear CHIARA!,
For weeks my friends have gone out without inviting me. I discovered they also have a chat where they talk about me and mock me.
One has now messaged as though nothing happened. I want to send a furious reply because it really hurts.
At home they tell me to forget it and forgive. Why should I forgive people who keep treating me this way? Does forgiveness mean letting others hurt me?
Our reply: you can forgive them. And close the door.
Dear friend, you can forgive them. And very politely show them out of your life. 💗
Even less politely, if you cannot manage politeness today. You do not need the sweetest words to say something very clearly: “This treatment stops here.”
Excluding you, creating a chat to talk about you and mocking you is cruel. When humiliation becomes repeated group behaviour, it needs to be taken seriously: there are signs of bullying here, not simply a misunderstanding between friends.
We believe you when you say you want to send an angry reply. You discovered that people you trusted were laughing behind your back. It hurts, it makes you angry, and it can make you rethink every confidence you shared: “Did they laugh about that too?”
So let us start here: you have no duty to repair this friendship. Being Christian does not oblige you to. Neither does someone telling you to “be the bigger person”.
Forgiving someone and ending a relationship can belong in the same sentence.
You can come to say: “I do not want revenge. I do not wish anything bad on you. But you no longer have a place in my life if this is how you treat me.”
You can forgive and block a number. Forgive and leave the group. Forgive and never share another secret with those people.
Trust is precious: you are free to choose whom you give it to. After what happened, you do not have to offer another chance to prove that you have a good heart.
To the friend who messages as though nothing happened, you can say:
“I know about the chat and the mockery. What you did hurt me, and I do not accept it. Friendship requires respect, so I am stepping away. I do not want to continue this relationship.”
Full stop. You do not need to add a little heart to make the message less uncomfortable. You do not have to convince her that you have suffered enough to be allowed to leave.
If she replies, “It was a joke,” you can end with: “I did not find it funny. I have told you my decision.”
And if you think replying would only give her more material to mock you with, you can choose not to reply. A boundary still counts without a goodbye speech.
As for forgiveness, allow it time.
Today you may feel nothing but anger. You can bring that very feeling to God:
“Lord, I am hurt. Help me get out of this situation without seeking revenge. Right now I struggle even to want to forgive: stay close to me here too.”
Faith does not oblige you to expose yourself to further humiliation. It can support you as you find the courage to walk away, even if you miss the good moments, even if part of you still wants those very people to reach out.
If they keep mocking or insulting you, or sharing messages and images, keep the evidence and ask a trustworthy adult or your school for help. Reporting what is happening is a practical way to protect yourself. You do not have to endure it in silence.
And hold on to this: being treated badly by a group does not mean you are worth less. It means those people behaved badly towards you.
You can have a good heart and a closed door.
And yes: that “go to hell” you feel inside can become a very healthy, very firm decision:
“I deserve respect. And I am walking away.”
With love, CHIARA! 💗
The Gospel reference: Matthew 5:44 ↗
