GIACOMO PORETTI: WHAT IF LISTENING MEANT CHANGING YOUR MIND?
Do you know what you're going to answer while the other person is still talking? A memory told by Giacomo Poretti puts us in front of a very daily question.
She hasn't finished the sentence yet, and you're already ready for the answer. You know that location, the usual. Wait a second of silence to explain why it's wrong. Technically, you're listening. You're basically setting your shift.
It can happen with a family person, with a friend or during a discussion on the faith. We know so well the words that divide us that we no longer wonder if on the other side there is something new to understand.
Giacomo Poretti spoke about it at the Rimini Meeting on 22 August 2013, during the presentation of Alto come un vaso di gerani. The organisers published a transcript of the event.
The meeting with the cardinal and a sentence that remains
In the dialogue with Camillo Fornasieri, Poretti recalls an encounter with Cardinal Angelo Scola dedicated to Milan. He claims to have been impressed by the idea of listening with a willingness to change his mind. And he admits, ironically, how difficult it is to apply when everyone considers his ideas to be better.
The interesting point is precisely this recognized difficulty. A principle that seems obvious ceases to be so when it asks us to leave a chance open: I may have misunderstood, I may not know a piece of history.
His story leaves a question with us: when someone speaks, do we let them surprise us? Think of the last conversation in which you already had your answer ready.
Listening doesn't just mean remaining silent.
You may not be able to interrupt and still exclude any new information. Maybe wait patiently, but you're just looking for the weak spot to use in the replica.
One question can change the rhythm: what led you to think so? Or: when you say this word, what do you mean? Sometimes we discover that we have argued for a long time attributing different meanings to the same expression.
You can also repeat what you have understood and ask if it is correct. You don't need to use a tone studied. Just make sure that the other person recognizes himself in the way you're telling his thoughts before challenging him.
Experiences count on faith, along with ideas
If someone says they want nothing to do with the Church, you may feel called upon to correct it immediately. First, however, you can try to understand whether he is talking about a teaching, a concrete encounter or a wound.
Listening to a personal story does not force you to share every conclusion. It allows you to respond to the person you are in front of, rather than to an imagined opponent. And it can help you recognize an evil without hastening you to resize it.
The Catholic perspective on dialogue includes the search for truth and respect for freedom. In the Conciliar Declaration Dignitatis humanae, at number 3, the search for truth is also linked to communication and dialogue between people. Religious conviction can meet real questions without turning any conversation into a pressure to conform.
Changing your mind can also affect a detail
Maybe you won't change your beliefs on the main issue. However, you may recognize that you have attributed to someone an intention that he did not have, that he used a wrong example or that he did not consider a practical consequence.
Saying that makes the comparison more reliable. You're right about that. I didn't know that figure. I understood something else. These are phrases that allow you to correct yourself without having to consider the whole discussion lost.
If nobody does the same on the other side, you can still choose your way of staying in dialogue. You don't have to make sure the conversation works on your own. You can offer attention and assess whether there are conditions to continue.
Some conversations need a limit
Listening availability and willingness to suffer do not coincide. The insults, humiliations and insistent pressures do not become useful because they are accompanied by the invitation to be more open.
You can stop a confrontation that keeps hurting you. You can ask to speak at another time or decide not to take up a topic with that person. In relationships where you don't feel safe, protection and support come before the goal of clarifying.
Even the place counts. A sensitive matter may merit a private conversation, with sufficient time. A crowded chat or already tense lunch may not offer the space to really understand it.
The next question may be more interesting than the reply
The memory told by Poretti remains current for a simple reason: it concerns us while we think we already know how to listen. We can try it in the next conversation, choosing a question that we really want to know the answer to.
Before you object, let it get to the bottom of it. Look for a fact, an experience or a distinction you didn't consider. Then you can express your thoughts, too, clearly.
Maybe you'll disagree. However, you could get out of the meeting by knowing a person better and with a more precise idea of your own reasons. For a conversation started with the answer already ready, it would already be an important change.
